The poem I wrote yesterday is not very good, but it helped me get in touch with what was bothering me. I was anxious and sad and wanted to hide from the world. After writing the poem, I realized it was the Virginia Tech shooting that had jolted me. I found that I was angry that it happened, angry that someone didn't see it coming and sad for the beautiful people who lost their lives. All over the world people are being murdered in war or genocide... a classroom should be a safe place, but then again, that mold was broken long ago.
Mostly, I feel powerless to make the world any better or safer.
Hugs, Judi
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
The Conversation
Weapons of mass destruction kill thousands or thirty-two.
How can you measure the forces of sadness, loss and grief?
How does it feel standing - facing - a bullet-exploding door
Trying to save your own life?
Sometimes we think that wouldn't be so bad
But scary even with our approval.
I wonder if we would take it personally,
That someone wanted to kill us - whoever we might be?
I like to think that my heroism would bust out saving all
Even if it was time for me to go away.
It's easy to be brave and heroic with words.
How does it feel facing steely dead killing eyes?
I would have, of course, tried to talk to the shooter,
To help him work through his anger issues and anxieties.
We would sit together over a beer and chat.
I would tell him why it wasn't a good idea to kill people.
I would of course request all people go safely elsewhere,
So that the shooter and I could talk without distraction.
I would ask him why he wanted to kill others
When he could just commit suicide and float gently away.
He would tell me they all deserved it, those people,
And why he was angry with them and they had to die.
I would ask him if he wanted company during his death;
I would ask him why he felt that would help, him.
The shooter and I would relax more from the beer
And from our good conversation about anger and hate.
The shooter would lean back and sigh, perhaps he would look confused;
I would ask the shooter how he felt.
The shooter would tell me he felt better and he wished he had talked to me before
Before he decided to kill those people who walked by his life
I would feel the shooter's pain deep in my gut and my heart would hurt
And then I would kill him with his own gun.
-judi
Powered by ScribeFire.
How can you measure the forces of sadness, loss and grief?
How does it feel standing - facing - a bullet-exploding door
Trying to save your own life?
Sometimes we think that wouldn't be so bad
But scary even with our approval.
I wonder if we would take it personally,
That someone wanted to kill us - whoever we might be?
I like to think that my heroism would bust out saving all
Even if it was time for me to go away.
It's easy to be brave and heroic with words.
How does it feel facing steely dead killing eyes?
I would have, of course, tried to talk to the shooter,
To help him work through his anger issues and anxieties.
We would sit together over a beer and chat.
I would tell him why it wasn't a good idea to kill people.
I would of course request all people go safely elsewhere,
So that the shooter and I could talk without distraction.
I would ask him why he wanted to kill others
When he could just commit suicide and float gently away.
He would tell me they all deserved it, those people,
And why he was angry with them and they had to die.
I would ask him if he wanted company during his death;
I would ask him why he felt that would help, him.
The shooter and I would relax more from the beer
And from our good conversation about anger and hate.
The shooter would lean back and sigh, perhaps he would look confused;
I would ask the shooter how he felt.
The shooter would tell me he felt better and he wished he had talked to me before
Before he decided to kill those people who walked by his life
I would feel the shooter's pain deep in my gut and my heart would hurt
And then I would kill him with his own gun.
-judi
Powered by ScribeFire.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Being Multiple
“Multiple Personality Disorder” (MPD) is the outdated term for the currently accepted term “Dissociative Identity Disorder” (DID). I use these acronyms interchangeably. I usually refer to myself as “multiple”, so I’ll stick with that.
Trying to write about my multiplicity is no easy task. How many people find it interesting? Who finds it interesting? What do they think is interesting about it?
For entertainment value, there are lots of good jokes about multiples. For example:
How many alters does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as will: one to change the bulb, one to change it back, three to argue over whether they want it light or dark, one to throw the light bulb against the wall to hear it crash, one to clean up the mess, four to go shopping for new bulbs and come home with stockings, licorice, Disney movies, popcorn and masking tape, one who insists it "IS" the light bulb and doesn't understand why everyone always wants it to change and can't it just be itself???? etc....
How many alters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
“4” --- 1 to screw in the light bulb, 1 to watch the screwing in of the light bulb, 1 to deny the screwing in of the light bulb ever happened, and 1 to repress the memory.
A difficult thing about living multiple is that many of my friends cannot understand when I am having a hard time. For friends who knew me “before diagnosis,” it is particularly confusing. In fact, it might be as difficult for them to accept my multiplicity as it was for me when first diagnosed. It’s a “concept” that is just difficult to “get your head around.”
It is also hard for friends to understand my need for solitude and quiet. Due to the extra activity in my brain, I become over-stimulated quickly. I can only tolerate being around anyone for more than 2-3 hours at a time… to say nothing of the many times I need to be alone. How can I expect a friend to understand that I have “someone” crying “inside” causing me to be sad or anxious?
It is also difficult for an “SPD” (singular personality disorder – ha ha) to understand my concept of time. I guess that “concept” would best be described as “variable.” For example, a couple of months might feel like a couple of weeks to me. I’ll try to explain more later. I don’t want you getting bored!
Hugs, Judi (et al)
Trying to write about my multiplicity is no easy task. How many people find it interesting? Who finds it interesting? What do they think is interesting about it?
For entertainment value, there are lots of good jokes about multiples. For example:
How many alters does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as will: one to change the bulb, one to change it back, three to argue over whether they want it light or dark, one to throw the light bulb against the wall to hear it crash, one to clean up the mess, four to go shopping for new bulbs and come home with stockings, licorice, Disney movies, popcorn and masking tape, one who insists it "IS" the light bulb and doesn't understand why everyone always wants it to change and can't it just be itself???? etc....
How many alters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
“4” --- 1 to screw in the light bulb, 1 to watch the screwing in of the light bulb, 1 to deny the screwing in of the light bulb ever happened, and 1 to repress the memory.
A difficult thing about living multiple is that many of my friends cannot understand when I am having a hard time. For friends who knew me “before diagnosis,” it is particularly confusing. In fact, it might be as difficult for them to accept my multiplicity as it was for me when first diagnosed. It’s a “concept” that is just difficult to “get your head around.”
It is also hard for friends to understand my need for solitude and quiet. Due to the extra activity in my brain, I become over-stimulated quickly. I can only tolerate being around anyone for more than 2-3 hours at a time… to say nothing of the many times I need to be alone. How can I expect a friend to understand that I have “someone” crying “inside” causing me to be sad or anxious?
It is also difficult for an “SPD” (singular personality disorder – ha ha) to understand my concept of time. I guess that “concept” would best be described as “variable.” For example, a couple of months might feel like a couple of weeks to me. I’ll try to explain more later. I don’t want you getting bored!
Hugs, Judi (et al)
Thursday, April 5, 2007
What is going on?
Perhaps you have read the recent story in an Australian newspaper (SMH) about five teenage boys who raped a seventeen year old girl and filmed it on their mobile phone. This isn't the first story like this, and it is unlikely to be the last. What hit me with this story is the incredible lack of respect the boys have for this girl (or any). They get her drunk, they take her to a bedroom, they rape and otherwise molest her, they laugh at her, egg each other on and film the incident, and they toss her onto the front steps of her home without some of her clothing.
What is going on? I'm not sure... is it testosterone run wild? Have people become so used to seeing and hearing about inhumane acts that kids have embraced that immorality? I can't read about the various "wars" in Africa without hearing about the rapes that occur and the incredible brutality (using guns to physically rape) women and the physical and longterm damage that does to a woman.
We find ourselves in a world where lopping off a person's head is commonplace. This doesn't happen just in the war zone, however. Yesterday I read about two men who beheaded a seventeen year old boy and bowled with the boy's head.
Hello?????!!!!!
I can understand the mentality in one sense, because the various "powers that be" use their religious beliefs to justify atrocities. Our overtly "christian" president Bush appears to have no problem killing countless people (for whatever reason he chooses at any given moment). I'm sure he prays for them. Islam does the same in that they justify suicide bombs and beheadings as the will of Allah.
There are many explanations why the teenage boys came to rape and humiliate the girl. We can blame it on the media, on the internet, on the breakdown of the family, on childhood abuse and neglect, and so on. It sickens me, however, to hear a boy's grandfather blame the victim and provide excuses for the boy. Accountability?
How much responsibility belongs to the boy's family (especially good ol' grandad)? How much to the boy(s)? Society? Media? Internet?
It's hard to be optimistic. Are we all "going to the dogs?" I wish we would - they are far more sensible and less brutal than humans.
It's just so sad.
With love, Judi
What is going on? I'm not sure... is it testosterone run wild? Have people become so used to seeing and hearing about inhumane acts that kids have embraced that immorality? I can't read about the various "wars" in Africa without hearing about the rapes that occur and the incredible brutality (using guns to physically rape) women and the physical and longterm damage that does to a woman.
We find ourselves in a world where lopping off a person's head is commonplace. This doesn't happen just in the war zone, however. Yesterday I read about two men who beheaded a seventeen year old boy and bowled with the boy's head.
Hello?????!!!!!
I can understand the mentality in one sense, because the various "powers that be" use their religious beliefs to justify atrocities. Our overtly "christian" president Bush appears to have no problem killing countless people (for whatever reason he chooses at any given moment). I'm sure he prays for them. Islam does the same in that they justify suicide bombs and beheadings as the will of Allah.
There are many explanations why the teenage boys came to rape and humiliate the girl. We can blame it on the media, on the internet, on the breakdown of the family, on childhood abuse and neglect, and so on. It sickens me, however, to hear a boy's grandfather blame the victim and provide excuses for the boy. Accountability?
How much responsibility belongs to the boy's family (especially good ol' grandad)? How much to the boy(s)? Society? Media? Internet?
It's hard to be optimistic. Are we all "going to the dogs?" I wish we would - they are far more sensible and less brutal than humans.
It's just so sad.
With love, Judi
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
On the Paws Front - Good News
We have guardedly good news about Sammy. Last Saturday morning, I took him in for his check up with Kay, our wonderful vet. The bad news is that Sammy has Lymphoma. The bumps and lumps I was concerned about turned out to be just fatty cysts (one calcified). The vet, however, found a little nipple like growth on Sammy's tummy. We are fortunate that she found it, because it is the nasty one and as with most cancers, the sooner it's found, the better to be able to treat it early.
Kay took more blood and sent it to pathology. The pathologist, who did the original test, said that with some slight abnormalities, everything important was within the norm. I say she's wonderful, because she called me at 8:00 PM on a Saturday night to let me know the test results - less than seven hours after the blood was taken.
So if Kay got the whole cancer with the little nipple-like thing she cut out, we might be in good shape. But nothing is for sure (except death and taxes as they say), so I will need to check Sammy for enlarged lymph nodes in certain areas of his body on a monthly basis. We will also have regular checkups at the vet's, because some of the changes can be extremely subtle and easily overlooked by inexperienced hands - mine!
So after a good flow of tears, I am somewhat stable again (everything is relative you know!) and my main worry has been keeping Sammy from licking his wounds. I got chastised for not making him wear the funny lampshade thing, but he looked so uncomfortable in it and kept bumping into everything!! Anyway, our next appointment is Thursday, and the stitches will come out. Things look like they are healing well.
Unfortunately, I came across a couple of lumps on Karma. One lump is small and I first noticed it about 6 months ago (I'm not very good about time, so I'm guessing here.) The other lump looks to be a small wound caused by a nasty twig jab. The small sores on this lump were slightly infected, so both dogs are on antibiotics.
Taking Karma to the vet is not fun. As soon as anyone tries to touch him, he goes ballistic. He tries to bite the vet when she is simply listening to his heart. For this reason, I have become expert in applying a muzzle. He doesn't like it, but it sure cuts down on some of the stress - and doggie bites.... and he is not kidding. I think he has some abuse issues as a puppy, so touching him in certain ways will incur doggie wrath and teeth. Thursday, the vet will try again to biopsy the one bump, and hopefully, it will be a fatty cyst.
I wonder at times, why people bother with health insurance without insuring their pets. In the last couple of weeks we have spent an easy $1k (AUD) on doggie health. Even my health expenses haven't been quite so dear! Oh well. What else to do? Sammy and Karma are my best buddies!
Luv and Hugs, Judi
Kay took more blood and sent it to pathology. The pathologist, who did the original test, said that with some slight abnormalities, everything important was within the norm. I say she's wonderful, because she called me at 8:00 PM on a Saturday night to let me know the test results - less than seven hours after the blood was taken.
So if Kay got the whole cancer with the little nipple-like thing she cut out, we might be in good shape. But nothing is for sure (except death and taxes as they say), so I will need to check Sammy for enlarged lymph nodes in certain areas of his body on a monthly basis. We will also have regular checkups at the vet's, because some of the changes can be extremely subtle and easily overlooked by inexperienced hands - mine!
So after a good flow of tears, I am somewhat stable again (everything is relative you know!) and my main worry has been keeping Sammy from licking his wounds. I got chastised for not making him wear the funny lampshade thing, but he looked so uncomfortable in it and kept bumping into everything!! Anyway, our next appointment is Thursday, and the stitches will come out. Things look like they are healing well.
Unfortunately, I came across a couple of lumps on Karma. One lump is small and I first noticed it about 6 months ago (I'm not very good about time, so I'm guessing here.) The other lump looks to be a small wound caused by a nasty twig jab. The small sores on this lump were slightly infected, so both dogs are on antibiotics.
Taking Karma to the vet is not fun. As soon as anyone tries to touch him, he goes ballistic. He tries to bite the vet when she is simply listening to his heart. For this reason, I have become expert in applying a muzzle. He doesn't like it, but it sure cuts down on some of the stress - and doggie bites.... and he is not kidding. I think he has some abuse issues as a puppy, so touching him in certain ways will incur doggie wrath and teeth. Thursday, the vet will try again to biopsy the one bump, and hopefully, it will be a fatty cyst.
I wonder at times, why people bother with health insurance without insuring their pets. In the last couple of weeks we have spent an easy $1k (AUD) on doggie health. Even my health expenses haven't been quite so dear! Oh well. What else to do? Sammy and Karma are my best buddies!
Luv and Hugs, Judi
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