What Depression Means to Me

1. Intense sadness. I’m not even sure what I’m sad about.
2. Loss of friends. Slowly, but surely, people grow away from me. This happens for a couple of reasons. First, I’m hard to be around when I’m depressed. Secondly, I don’t want to be around anyone when I’m depressed – because it’s hard to interact when you’re depressed and because I feel guilty that I am bumming someone else out. I am not fun to be around.
3. Loss of interest. I have spent a lot of time lately sitting in my living room chair thinking of things I should be doing or trying to imagine what I want to be doing. Nothing sounds viable.
4. Loss of energy. I know I should exercise more, but I find it difficult to go outside, no less exercise with some amount of vigor.
5. Loss of cleanliness. See “Loss of energy”. It’s hard to clean a house effectively when just getting out of bed is a huge achievement.
6. Loss of order… impending chaos. My home is out of control. I have no energy to put things away. My “organizational systems” go unused.
7. Body discontent. I gained weight on an antidepressant lately (Zyprexa). Weight gain, no energy, and no exercise equals “flabolanche!” Impending 57th birthday doesn’t help flagging self-image.
8. Tears. Actually, tears help a bit by relieving some of the “depression” tension. (See “not fun to be around”.)
9. Lack of interest in sex. (See “not fun to be around”.)
10. Excessive sleep. Any form of escape is a good thing.

I don’t know if I’ve ever been this depressed for this long. I didn’t even realize how depressed I have been for the past year, until I tried the Zyprexa and briefly got “undepressed.” That is part of the insidious nature of depression – it isn’t always “obvious.” It is characterized by a growing discontent with one’s life and causes gaping lapses in a person’s ability to look at themselves in any realistic and positive sense. My artwork, that I normally derive tremendous pleasure from, has become an “irresponsible hobby” to me. I have completed many of my projects in the past year, but now they stand the chance of taking over the entire downstairs of our home (see “impending chaos”). I want to sell them (or give them away), but I don’t have the energy or confidence to take advantage of opportunities (local markets, garage sale, etc.)

Get the picture? Depression sucks. I am holding on while my medication is being adjusted, but it’s white knuckle all the way. If you’re a friend reading this post, you can now understand why you probably haven’t heard from me. Fortunately, I know a lot about my illness (unquestionably more than certain Cigna contracted peer review doctors!), and understanding the causes of my discomfort helps me deal with the frustration of going through it.

By the way, I write about my mental illness not for pity, but so that mental illness can come out of the closet. People need to learn about it so they will feel comfortable with people who are different. One last thing…. If anyone tells me to “just be happy” or “just think positively”…. I’ll pop them one. If depression affects you or someone you care about, learn more about it. In Australia, try “Beyond Blue” or “The Black Dog Institute.”